A whack, a rub and a bored news editor: news syndication for the masses

So it happened that AP published this short and weird news item today.

Authorities: Burglar wakes men with spice rub

FRESNO, Calif. (AP) — Authorities say they've arrested a man who broke into the home of two California farmworkers, stole money, rubbed one with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing.

Fresno County sheriff's Lt. Ian Burrimond says 22-year-old Antonio Vasquez was found hiding in a field wearing only a T-shirt, boxers and socks after the Saturday morning attack.

He says deputies arrested Vasquez after finding a wallet containing his ID in the ransacked house.

The farmworkers told deputies the suspect woke them Saturday morning by rubbing spices on one of them and smacking the other with an 8-inch sausage.

Burrimond says money allegedly stolen was recovered.

This refreshing bit of news has propagated in minutes into hundreds of news sites. Many of them modified its title, making it more interesting. Or just silly.

CNN: Officials: Burglar wakes men with spice rub, sausage whack
[The title was not funny without the sausage]

Canadian Press: California cops arrest man who beat victim with sausage
[Trying to keep it serious and forgetting the spice. Typical]

The Telegraph: Burglar held for 'spice and sausage attack'
[Let's coin a term for this kind of attack]

KATU News, Oregon: Police: Underwear-clad burglar whacks man with sausage
[Change of focus: It's an underwear clad burglar!]

Melbourne Herald Sun: Police hit a snag in proving spicy crime
[Funny! Is this Australia already?]

The West Australian: Thieves hit workers with 20cm sausage
Brisbane Times, Australia: Spicy night for victims
LiveNews Australia: Sausage slapping burglar gives men spicy rub down
[Yes, it is]


Later, sheriff Burrimond admitted that the attacking sausage was eaten by a dog before he arrived to the scene. Oops. Now the whole story changed. Conspiracy? Foul play?
Detroit Free Press: Dog eats burglary weapon

Until Wales Online concluded, forgetting the sausage and the spices:

Dog eats weapon in a smash, banger, wallop of a case

stay online when we kiss

Stay online when we kiss
I want them all to see
What lip stuff they all miss
When you share tongues with me

Your contact list meets mine
We're both linkedin at last
Let's kiss and stay online
Please don't sign off so fast

Poking and loving are two different things

Her old momma told her
When she was sixteen
That poking and loving
Are two different things

That when she has stocks
She should swim against trends
And remember that guys
Only want to be friends.

That omelets and rice
Are the product of wheat
And it's perfectly fine
To speak when you eat.

And then, when she finished
What she had to say
A white car with sirens
came, took her away.

My Ex had an exit

My Ex had an exit,
And her CFO glows
But I know that she lacks it
They're going to close.

My Ex had an exit
They sold all the shares
But stockholders, get it:
It will fail if it's hers

Now, since she dumped me
All my options are lost
My Ex had an exit -
And all I got is this post.

I will never superpoke you

On your wall, late at night,
Through the tears and the pain -
"I will never, my love
Superpoke you again".